High Value Men vs. High Quality Men

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So by now, many of you have heard about a guy named Kevin Samuels. He is a relationship guy with a massive following on social media. If you follow Samuels then you know he can be a very polarizing figure and for good reason. He talks about topics that are often considered “off-limits” in the black community. Now before I get started, let me say that this blog isn’t a Samuels bash blog because “yo the brotha is doing his thing.” Still, it also will not serve as a bobblehead approval to all his ideologies or beliefs. Although I can’t entirely agree with a lot of what Samuels is saying, I do appreciate Samuels for what he is doing with his platform because, honestly, he is forcing us to have a long-overdue conversation.

Before I get started, you probably wonder what gives me the right to speak on this topic. Am I a relationship guru? Nope. A psychologist? Hell naw, but I did stay at a Holiday inn! Am I a six-figure brotha or an HVM? This is the first date shawty. I can’t give you all those details just yet, damn…nosey. Am I influential? We will both learn that after this blog. Welp, if I don’t really check any of those boxes, why should you continue reading. First, I am a pretty successful career man. Vagueness is intentional. Second, I have been a pretty productive member of our community, and last but most important. I have been with my wife for close to thirty years…count’em 30. Therefore, the information you get from me is not third person. It is not me extrapolating or inferring what a successful career husband thinks. The nuggets you are going to get from me are raw, first-person, and unfiltered but with some empathy. I am not down with belittling people, sorry this is not that platform.  Also, let me very quickly shout out to two brothas, Allen & Matt(you know who you are). These men offered me valuable insight on many of the topics covered in this blog, and I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge them.  

We have a problem in our community in how we classify the quality of people, specifically men. Right now, in our community every man is considered the same by default. We don’t distinguish between men who genuinely handle their business and men who are out here just faking the funk. I mean, think about it we call every brotha a king by default. Now, I understand that calling black men kings is supposed to serve as a term of endearment and reaffirm our greatness;  however, my only issue is if every man is a king, how do we differentiate between powerful, fiscally responsible household leaders and those out here bullshitting. In a feudal system one of the key tenants to being a king is owning land. In our time that equates to homeownership. Therefore, if a man doesn’t own his home, he should not be considered a king? This is by no means meant to demean or indict the brotha who can’t afford to own a home because I respect any brotha out there still grinding for his family. My point is, experiences like homeownership are supposed to serve as a rite of passage for a man becoming the ‘king’ of his castle. It effectively checks off one of the boxes on the American dream checklist. It is designed to provide his wife with a sense of security knowing that as long as they do their part, no one is going to come and run them out of their home even if they don’t keep their grass cut but I digress. Usually, one of the first things a man does after purchasing a home is to buy a barbecue grill and yard tools he has no intention of using long term. Buying those things is the equivalent of marking his territory. If we start arbitrarily tossing rites of passages to the curbside because they are no longer convenient, we can very quickly find ourselves lacking a moral and societal compass. Therefore, I do appreciate Samuels differentiating between the types of men. However, I think the qualities that he says comprise an HVM are debatable.

Instead of debating the validity of Samuel’s HVM model, I want to propose a new model that women might want to consider. That classification is a HQM which stands for High-Quality Man. In my opinion, the fatal flaw in the HVM model is that it eliminates the idea of character as one of the critical factors. For me, the character of a man is fundamental. It is one of the overriding principles when evaluating someone’s quality. In fairness, Samuel’s HVM model may assume that character is inherently factored in when considering someone. Still, I think not explicitly making that a required characteristic creates a dangerous opportunity for interpretation.  

So now, what is a HQM? Let me say this, most HQM are a stone’s throw away from being an HVM but with some character sprinkled in as well as a dab of humbleness. If you are reading this on the EBWS’ site, an HQM is an Educated Brotha With Swag known to sell dope-ass, culturally meaningful apparel(shameless plug). Let me let you ladies in on a bit of a secret. Unlike many HVM, HQM aren’t born. They are built. They are typically helped by a significant other who serves as a catalyst. Ever heard the saying, “beside every good man is a good woman?” A good woman can provide exposure and experience.  The difference between greatness and mediocrity is an idea and execution.   A good woman by a man can serve as the catalyst that drives a man to execute towards his full potential.  What that means is if you want an HQM, you have to build your own. Fortunately, creating an HQM is much easier than snagging an HVM and there isn’t an age dependency. Getting an HVM is pure luck! Here is the catch, to build an HQM, you have to know what to look for.

As the saying goes, you can’t make sugar out of shit, so you have to have a solid foundation to build off of. That means to stop looking for the dumbshit in men you all have been looking for. Stop looking for expensive and clothes. Stop assuming cost and value are equivalent. Start teaching your daughters that today’s bad boys are tomorrow’s adult dependents and that today’s geeks are tomorrow’s No Brainers.  Start evaluating a man by the size of his mental then the size of his pencil.   So now, let’s talk about what you should look for in a potential HQM. To help you out, here are some of the tenets of an HQM in no particular order.

He has to want to be an HQM

“The good man is the man who, no matter how morally imperfect he has been, is moving to become better.” – John Dewey

Let’s be real. Black males have been given a fucking raw deal by way of father figures and role models, but our injustices of the past does not justify our mistakes of the future once you reach a certain age.  HQM acknowledges they may be lacking in some areas.  An HQM will not view those injustices as excuses to continue on the same path but as reasons they must be better.

 Fiscally responsible

Martin Luther King said that a “budget is a moral document.” If we take this statement to be true, then his message suggests that the way a man spends his money is a mirror image of his moral priorities. Thus, an HQM understands that fiscal responsibility is required to begin laying the groundwork for the economic growth engine that will sustain the family. The household’s growth engine also helps determine the quality of schools and other essential aspects of the community. An HQM will always do a cost vs. value analysis when making a big purchase. Many people may view him as cheap, but he isn’t cheap. He is just not stupid with money. To bring this point home I will offer up a quick story.  Years ago I had the pleasure of working around the 8th riches man in the world. I repeat, the 8th richest man in the world, and guess what this dude drove? This man drove a 2014 Toyota Prius Hybrid, a fucking Prius…let that sink in.

 Family First

“Every father should remember one day his children will follow his example, not his advice.” –Charles Kettering

 HQM understands that they will ultimately be judged by the quality of their offspring and the wellbeing of their family. He will be viewed not by the vehicle he drives or by the clothes he wears. His legacy will be defined by his successors. Thus an HQM looks for a woman who can appropriately nurture and grow his most prized possession, his family. 

 Health Conscious 

An HQM is health-conscious. He is not necessarily looking to keep some eye candy on his arm. I mean, that doesn’t hurt. The HQM understands bad health has a tax on it. The unhealthier you are, the more likely you are to get lifestyle-related illnesses. The more difficult it is to get life insurance. The more difficult it is to be an active participant in your children’s lives and the more difficult it is to climb that corporate ladder. Life insurance is one of the primary ways households increase their wealth. Granddad passes. Boom, a stack of cash is dropped in on the family. Now that ivy league school that Lil Tink-Tink wanted to attend might be an option. Or that investment property that you have been looking to might come into fruition. Try getting a good life insurance policy when you are classified in the high-risk health category.  To learn more about how health impacts career opportunities check out my blog called DinkyDo.

Social Awareness

A high-quality man is aware of current events in the political space. He votes because he understands the importance of making his voice heard. He has an appreciation of what had to be sacrificed to get the voting rights act passed. He doesn’t view voting and social awareness as an option but an obligation.  

Educated

“The single most powerful asset we all have is our mind. If it is trained well, it can create enormous wealth in what seems to be an instant.”-Robert Kiyosaki

 When I talk about education, I am not necessarily talking about a formal education like college. Still, HQM understands the value of gaining knowledge. Education is the key to freedom. If you look throughout history at any oppressed people, they were always stripped of the ability to educate themselves. 

Earning power

The truth is an HQM has to have a certain level of earning power, although I am not yet ready to say he has to be a six-figure brotha. Requiring a specific amount will drop you dead smack in the middle of the feeding frenzy with all the female sharks that are also vying for an HVM. I will stay this…if all the other pieces are in place, all the brotha needs is the catalyst to alter his trajectory that will help him reach his full potential, and the money will shortly follow.  

Lastly, to my older sistas out there, understand that we see you. We value the wealth of knowledge and experience that you bring to the table. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and no HQM would dare to arbitrarily cast a ranking system on women’s looks…we aren’t in high school. We have issues in our community between the genders, and we must own and address them, but I am not sure degrading each other is the way forward.  

 In closing, if you are reading this, then I assume I have piqued your interest somewhat. If you are feeling what I am saying and want me to post more on these topics, then let me know at YABOY@EBWSSTYLE.COM what you want to hear about. You can also follow me on IG @ebws_style and on Facebook. Lastly, if you want this stuff coming right to your email, sign up for our newsletter at ebwsstyle.com. Until next time, in my best Don Cornelius voice, we wish you peace, love, and soulllllllllllllll!!!!!!